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Night Of The Big, Scary, Black Bug

Last week Tinki, for some odd reason, got up at 4:30am and went down to the kitchen. Apparently on her way there she spotted a big bug that scared her so much that she rushed over to our room, threw open the door in a flurry and yelled out very loudly, “Mom! There is a HUGE, black, scary bug and I can’t get back to my room! He flies, too! Hurry, hurry he’s really scary and you have to get him right now!”

The main thing that is wrong with this situation is that Tinki says the words “mom” and “scary bug” in the same sentence. She and everyone else who knows me, knows that I don’t get the bugs in the house. No way, Jose, that’s the man’s job. I don’t even like bugs unless they have the word “lady” or “pill (aka rolly-polly)” in front of them. So her waking me up instead of going directly to dad was just ludicrous, I tell ya!

Secondly, you all know what it’s like to get woken up suddenly from a dead sleep. You’re all discombobulated and don’t even know where you are for a second. Well, a second is about how much time it took me to hit Dude to wake him up and also for me to say, “Dude, wake up! Tinki says there is a huge, black, scary bug. Go get it!” Then of course Dude has to take a few seconds to even get what’s going on (and I don’t even understand why cuz how could he not have heard Tinki burst into the room and scream out at us about the bug in the first place!) Then he would have already been awake like I was. I don’t think guys hear their own kids, ever, when they get up in the middle of the night no matter how old the kid is!

So Dude gets up all moaning about having to get this giant bug that he probably believes to be pretty small and Tinki is blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Once he leaves to go investigate, I promptly try and go back to sleep cuz I don’t want anything to do with it!

Unfortunately, sleep was not in the cards for me cuz I kept hearing all this ruckus coming from the kitchen with those guys talking and Tinki giving out a little scream every once in a while. Then all of a sudden, I hear this mad dash and doors slamming and then Tinki cracking up! At this point, I have to get out of bed to go and investigate to see what the heck these guys are doing. It’s a bug, for goodness sakes, guys should just know how to get those things!

I finally make it into the hallway were Dude has the door to the kitchen cracked open and he’s looking around to see where this big, scary bug went and Tinki is looking right around him to see if she can spot it. I inquire as to what the heck they are doing and Tinki starts cracking up saying that I should have seen dad a minute ago run for his life cuz he was all scared when the bug was flying around.

At this point Dude is in the bathroom trying to find a large piece of cardboard to squish the thing with and when I look over at him to get his side of the story all he says is, “It’s really a huge bug! I gotta find something big to get him with!” To this my only response was, “How the heck did he get in since we’ve been on lock down for weeks with the terrible weather? I wanna know so I can fix this from happening again.” Maybe there is some secret hole in the house somewhere that bugs can come through and I would need to send him off to find it so we don’t get anymore scary surprises. Well he says, “I don’t know! It’s a bug. They just have ways of getting in the house.” Unfortunately that wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear.

So off we go to the kitchen to seek this thing out. We carefully opened the door to the kitchen and looked around. All was quiet so we ventured in. We took a look around in all the nooks and crannies and finally Tinki spotted the thing resting on the ceiling light fixture, then she high-tailed it outta there. I guess she figured her job in this whole matter was done. It was even so big that it’s back leg could be seen holding on to the light fixture around the back side!

I took a look at him and it was a definite yes on the big and scary cuz this guy was yucky. I looked at Dude with that piece of cardboard in his hand and was like, no way, you aren’t going to be able to get him with that while he is on the light. Right at that moment he says that he can’t see the thing. How the heck can he miss it, it’s huge and black! Then he reminds me that he doesn’t have his contacts in so he can’t see anything. Great, the blind man who has the guts to do the job and the sighted woman who doesn’t. Boy, we sure make a good pair!

So Dude says he is going to get the vacuum and suck him up. Great idea and I headed off to go get the shop vac with the giant hose. Well, he decides that the household vacuum would work just fine and goes into the living room to get it. As he comes back into the kitchen, vacuum cleaner on and hose stretched out to suck up the bug he says to me, “Okay, I’m ready. Where is it?” What!!!!! He is going to try to get that hose next to it and try to suck it up when he can’t see it and then the bug is going to get wise and fly away and start chasing all of us cuz now its mad and then we will be knocking each other over trying to save ourselves! Oh yes, I could see it all playing out.

So I point to the bug and move the hose over a bit so he can just move in and get the bug and all the while he is saying, “Where is it? Am I close to it?” and me going, “No, you have to move closer but don’t scare it!” Then he is saying, “Okay, how about now?” Then I said, “Better, but I think that the opening to the vacuum cleaner is too small!”

All of a sudden he says, “Too small! I don’t think the bug is THAT big.” This from a man who can’t see it. I reiterate that I think the end of the hose is too small and he should get the shop vac. In the end he said no to that and moved in closer to where he thought the big, black, scary bug was and ‘SWOOP’ was the sound we heard as that thing got sucked right up. I think it might have hit its head on the way down the tube cuz it was a pretty big sound when that happened. It was so loud that we all just started cracking up and then for a couple seconds all of us were saying, ‘SWOOP, SWOOP’!

So with that, Dude saved the day and Tinki could go back to bed. Amazingly it was 5:00am when the whole thing was over. We had been after this bug for 30 minutes!

I didn’t really sleep too good for the rest of the night since seeing a bug like that kind of grosses me out. Also being woken up and made to stay awake at that hour tends to make my body believe that it should be time to get up for good.

I told Dude that he needed to check the vacuum in the morning to be sure it was still in there and had died. He just looked at me and said, “SWOOP, honey nothing could live after that!”

Black Toilet Paper

Last night, Tinki was sitting at the table looking through the new LeRoy Merlin catalogue. For those of you who are not familiar with LeRoy Merlin, it is kind of like Home Depot. Each year they come out with a new catalogue to show off their new stuff.

Well Tinki was all consumed by the cool colored toilet paper they were advertising. All of a sudden she says, “Wow, they sell black toilet paper! That’s kind of cool.” I chimed in with, “Hum, that could be interesting.” Then dude said, “Black toilet paper? How would you know if you were successful or not?”

I died laughing for about 20 minutes.

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